“What did you do today?”
It was and remains a simple question.
I’m a temporary employee. That’s how I make my rent. It’s not my favorite thing in the world but it’s got its perks. There is a sense of freedom in assessing a company based on actual work experience before deciding if you’d like to work there for real. I can assure you that, as an artist with very clear artistic professional goals, it is the norm to come to the following conclusion: “It’s probably best that this is a temp job.” I want to work, don’t get me wrong; I just don’t want to have to pretend to be someone else for the majority of my waking life.
That being said, I’m really tired of not having steady and reliable employment. Living paycheck to paycheck is its own special kind of monotonous grind. It requires you to say “no” a lot to people you love. It comes with lapses of financial judgement that end up making your life more difficult in the long run. Spotting the opposition a goal from the start – it wounds your pride. It reminds you that you are not above pride. In moments of extreme weakness, it makes you feel powerless and suggests that wallowing in despair is all you can do. It’s depressing.
I’m not depressed though, I know what that is. I’ve looked that in the face before; looked at the hastily drawn prescription for anti-depressants from my college health center and said “no.” And now, six years later, I know how lucky I am to have a person in my life who sees me every day and smacks me awake with stern kindness. So… if you were getting worried or something…
But the poverty still sucks so I’ve been looking for permanent positions. And I thought I’d found one!
It is “temp-to-hire” but for now it’s three days a week oh they didn’t tell you that I’m sorry man is that gonna be okay ok man not sure what the timeline is at this point see you wednesday. <insert negotiation of higher rate damnit>
<insert search for supplemental day work damnit>
<realization I’ve gotten my hopes up>
<feel sorry for self>
<punish self for stupidity>
<take it out on loved ones>
<Be loved in return>
So that’s where I am. At a job where I do… ostensibly nothing; am asked to do little-to-nothing. And so I’m writing a brog post about it cuz I’ve already read the entire internet and it’s only 10:30am.
But for love, I am sad.
I’m so hopeful for today.